Beginnings and endings

On the eve of my departure from Belgium and subsequent arrival in South Africa, I feel as if this (beginnings and endings) is what my life has been reduced to over the last two and half weeks (since I left Hamburg). It's also strange that it feels that more than two weeks have passed since I so reluctantly left Hamburg. I realised this is the pace at which I want time to pass all the time. I simply hate those weeks when you start out on the Monday and before you know it it's the start of the Friday working day...you are completely exhausted, can't remember half the stuff you'd done in that week, all you know is that you've been doing it on the trot and that the weekend will also be so crammed with stuff that you'll not have the opportunity to completely rest and recoup. Also you live with the depressing knowledge that the next week will pass in exactly the same way. It pains me to say it, but that's what I'm returning to in South Africa. I know there are times when things have to be hectic, but when I left SA 5 months ago (it feels so much longer), it had become clear that I was not striking a satisfactory balance and that I was constantly trying to catch up with the hectic pace my life (especially my working life) had acquired. That will definitely have to change when I get back since I was very unhappy and stressed and it had taken me close to 5 months to de-stress and regroup.

Mostly I feel as if I've finally gotten round to touching base with myself. Like I've regained ownership of my life again instead of constantly reacting to external factors that always seem to require my immediate attention. A sense of myself had gotten lost along the way and it was quite a struggle to rediscover that hidden and obscured self. I feel as if I'm just so much more present in my life as opposed to watching my life pass in front of me like a film reel. I have the space and time to process new experiences and figure out how I feel about it. My actions and reactions are no longer mysteries to me as I'm in touch with what I feel when I feel it and I can trace my action/reaction back to that feeling. I get such intense pleasure from music, instead of it being some background noise to distract me from the mundanity of my life. My life hasn't become less mundane, but I am no longer overwhelmed by the mundanity of life and sometimes even welcome it as a time when I reflect on other aspects, but that's luxury of idleness. If you busy all the time there's no time for reflection and that's great sometimes, but one has to strike a balance, an acceptable balance (for each person that balance is different) between the busy time and the idle moments when one can just enjoy the simple pleasures. I for instance can't wait to get back to my flat and just sit on my balcony with a glass of wine or juice, watch the cats play in our garden, hear the trucks and cars pass on Jan Smuts Drive...just me and my thoughts. There is no need for distraction since I'm just completely content with what I have at the time: sunshine and maybe a little bit of music in the background;-) I want to have more of these moments in my life because they are the ones that will keep me in contact with who I am, which will ultimately help me relate better to other people and my environment.

On the other side living between beginnings and endings is very exciting. Although there's always something/someones you have to leave behind, there are also always something to look forward to. I really enjoyed and revelled in the peace and serenity here at Tom's parent's house. I'll miss the people too, but I have such a lot to look forward to. I'll touch base and resume relations with my nearest and dearest. I've had quite a couple of homecomings over the last couple of years, but this one will be one of the most memorable for all the right reasons. Firstly there's going to be great feasting and celebration because I'm back...and like sitting on the balcony by myself this is always a form of therapy, for me at least. Why? Because I'm fortunate enough to have surrounded myself with some wonderful people. People I have always appreciated, but who have come through for me so brilliantly in the last while. I would also like to acknowledge the great new friendships I've formed and the old friendship that has been strengthened while I was here. For me an experience is made just that more enjoyable and significant because of the people who have shared it with me and all the great people I've bonded with here have played a large part in colouring my experience with great significance. And for that I'm very grateful.

There you have it then, my last posting from Europe. It was a wonderful privilege to share all my travels and experiences with all you guys. The next one will probably be from my living room in Cape Town. I'm still unsure whether I'll keep the blog going after I've entered corporate South Africa again. Posting pics and relating my experiences from different parts of Europe has been an integral part of this blog and I don't know if I'll find anything in my daily life in South Africa to replace it. We'll play it by hear and next time I post it would be about how great my homecoming was.

Keep well.